Choosing an FFA

You may recall from the last post that an FFA (foster family agency) is an alternative to fost-adopting directly through the county. Typically FFAs are licensed in multiple counties - that is, anywhere form a couple counties to an entire state or larger. They are all private entities and I believe they are all or mostly non-profit? Have to double check.

Which FFA you choose can really determine your experience as a foster parent. The good ones are going to:

• provide lots of services, such as behavioral therapy, occupational therapy, child parent interaction therapy, family therapy, respite care, etc
• be extremely up front with you about each case, including all of the problem behaviors the kids are exhibiting, whether or not they are likely to easily overcome those behaviors, whether they have ongoing special needs, and how likely their case is to end in reunification
• be reachable for questions and support when you have things come up
• have a lot of experience with a lot of different cases and know how to best work with the county and the court system

Some FFAs might be a good fit for families of faith, while others are a good fit for LGBT+ families, or with single parents, etc. There isn't necessarily a one-size-fits-all situation. Another thing to consider is how far away the FFA is, because you may need to drive there multiple times a week to receive certain services. Some FFAs have multiple offices (especially larger ones), but may offer some services in one location that they aren't able to offer in another based on their staff.

Right now we are going to info sessions and contacting multiple FFAs. We have a lot of questions we want to ask before we determine which one to work with. Once we choose one, we can start the application process, which will take a few months and will get us certified through our FFA to become foster parents.

Stay tuned for more info as we learn about the FFAs we have available to us. And stay tuned for info on what happens after we get certified (getting matched, transitions to the home, and everything that happens thereafter).

Adoption Terminology And How You Can Be Respectful :)

Positive Adoption Language

If you want to be respectful of adopted children and adoptive parents, it's super important to learn some basic alternatives to common no-nos in talking about adoption. Start practicing now and soon it will be second nature. Remember, we are all still learning (including me!) Note: These are in the format of Say This (bolded) instead of this (strikethrough).

Birth parent, birth mom, birth family, family of origin real mom, natural parents

Biological child, bio child your own kids, your real kids

Create an adoption plan, place for adoption  give up a child

Was adopted is adopted

Mother, Parents  adoptive mother, adoptive parents

Choose to parent the baby choose to keep the baby

This is not an exhaustive list, and with a quick google search of "positive adoption language," you can find a lot more information on why it is important to make these distinctions. Remember, it's all about respecting and acknowledging families and kids.


Vocab, Abbreviations, and Jargon

Home Study - A process by which a family is legally approved for adoption. This typically involves background checks, a couple of visits to the home to identify and correct potential hazards (smoke detectors, fencing around swimming pool, secured firearms, etc), interviews with parents to make sure they both want to adopt and what they are looking for in their adoption, financial paperwork to ensure that the cost of the adoption and the cost of parenting is affordable for the family, etc. This process may take a few months, especially since it involves some legal processes that may take a while to complete. Home studies for international adoption, domestic newborn adoption, and fost-adoption are all different.

Shelter Care - A type of foster parenting in which foster parents provide immediate care for children who have been detained and whose birth family is receiving services in order to make their home safe again. Most kids in shelter care will be reunified with their birth family within several months.

Fost-Adopt - A type of foster parenting in which the children's birth family are not doing what they are supposed to do in order to reunify with their kids, and the social workers are trying to find a permanent home for the kids to be adopted into. The foster parents bond with the kids and help them heal from past trauma. After several months, most kids will be legally adopted into their forever homes.

FFA (Foster Family Agency) - One way to fost-adopt rather than going directly through the county. FFAs typically offer more services to the foster family, and may act as a liaison with the county social workers. They may also be licensed in multiple counties, which allows foster parents to potentially be matched with kids from different counties (can be a good thing or a bad thing). A good FFA wants to make sure that foster parents have the tools and resources they need in order to be successful with children placed in the home. FFAs do not cost the foster family any additional money.

Reunification - Children in foster care returning to the care of their birth family. The main goal of foster care is to reunify kids with their birth families whenever possible for the birth family to provide a safe and healthy home. Until an adoption is finalized, reunification is always a legal possibility. Every case is different and has a different probability of ending in reunification versus ending in adoption.


Sensitive Questions

For any of these questions, consider your relationship with the parent before asking. Is this person a stranger, an acquaintance, a close friend, an extended relative? Also ask yourself why you want to know the answer. Are you just curious? Are you trying to find out how you can best support the family? Are you trying to educate yourself or find out more about adoption for your own family?

Are you going to have biological kids? It may be that the parents were unable to have biological kids, or more biological kids than they currently have. It may be that they have no desire to have biological kids. Asking this question may unintentionally imply that having biological kids is better, preferred, or more legitimate than adoption.

Why are they in foster care/what's their story? A child's story is theirs to tell. The parents really have to decide with whom to share different parts of the child's past. There may be parts of the child's past that are incredibly personal, painful, or difficult to understand. If you are not an immediate family member or very close friend, the parents may choose not to disclose any details about their kids' stories, and let the kids decide who they are comfortable sharing those details with as they grow.

Are the kids related to each other? Again, this may unintentionally imply that there is something more legitimate about a family where the siblings are biologically related to each other. The kids may have been adopted as a sibling pair, or they may have been adopted at separate times from different biological families. Or one may have been adopted and then the biological mom gave birth to another child that was detained, and that family was asked if they were interested in adopting the new child. Regardless, they are siblings growing up in the same family, and that is what matters.

Are the kids addicted to drugs? This is another detail of the kids' past that may be deeply personal and private. Some false assumptions that may underlie this question include:
+ that most kids in foster care are drug exposed
+ that all kids who were drug exposed have significant developmental differences
+ that kids who do have special needs don't need and deserve loving families
+ that these particular parents do not want to parent children with special needs
Don't make those assumptions, because they range from potentially untrue to completely inaccurate.

Aren't you going to get attached to the kids? What if they get taken away from you? Every fost-adopt parent needs to be educated about the process of fost-adoption and the emotional risk they are taking. No case is certain until adoption is finalized. But it's important to realize that if foster parents get attached to kids and are heartbroken to say goodbye to kids that leave their care, that's a really wonderful thing. Crying over kids leaving your care shows them that they are worth caring about, that they are difficult to say goodbye to. Attaching to kids is a huge investment of time and emotion, and it's a gift that foster parents give to children. All children deserve to be loved and to be shown that they are worthy of love. 

Closer Look: Fost-Adoption

Before I Start: A Great Resource
I highly recommend the Foster Adoption Podcast http://www.fosteradoption.org to anyone who wants to learn more about fost-adoption. If someone you know is looking to fost-adopt, learning about this process is one of the really important things you can do to help support them. This podcast taught me a LOT about what this process is like, and I highly recommend it.

What Is Fost-Adoption?
There are two major types of foster parents: regular foster parents who take care of kids who are probably going to reunify with their birth family, and fost-adopt parents who are looking to be a forever home for kids on the path to adoption.

All children in foster care are there because of some kind of abuse or neglect. Neglect is far more common. The goal of foster care is to help children reunify with their birth families once they have created a safe home. But there are many cases where the birth family is unable to provide a safe home, and that's when they start looking for a forever home with an adoptive family. The adoption is finalized after the kids have been in the adoptive home for a while and the kids are thriving and the parents are thriving. Bottom line, though, is that they don't want kids to be in foster care for more than a year and a half, so if the birth family is not going to provide a safe home, they want the kids to be adopted and in a stable, healthy situation as soon as possible.

What Does The Process Look Like?
There are four major court events for a fost-adopt kid or sibling group:
1. After kids are detained
      A few days after the kids are detained from the birth family, there is a hearing to determine what kind of services the birth family needs, and whether the kids can reunify with the birth family in the meantime or if they should remain in foster care for the time being. Typically the kids remain in foster care and they set a date for another hearing in six months to see how the birth family is doing.

2. Reunification or termination of reunification services
      After six months of the kids being in foster care and the birth family having services (possibly parenting classes, drug or alcohol treatment, etc), the judge will typically rule to either reunify the kids with the birth family if birth family has done everything they were supposed to do, or terminate reunification services. In other words, the birth family isn't holding up their end of the bargain, so why should we pay for services anymore? 

Note: If the judge rules to terminate reunification services, they start looking for a forever family for the kids. This means they start by looking for kin (grandma, uncle, etc) who can provide a safe and healthy home for the kids. If that doesn't work, they look for a fost-adopt family to place the kids with. Can the birth family turn things around during this period? Absolutely. But if they weren't able to turn things around with the help of reunification services, it's very unlikely they will be able to do so without them.

3. Termination of Parental Rights
      Once the kids are thriving in their fost-adopt home, and the fost-adopt family is doing well, this is when there is a hearing for the termination of parental rights. Before this happens, it is still possible (however unlikely) that the court could rule to reunify the kids with the birth family. After termination of parental rights, the fost-adopt parents can apply for adoption.

4. Adoption
      I don't know much about the process of finalizing the adoption, but I do know that once the adoption is finalized, that is it. You are now the legal parents of these kids, and you get issued a new birth certificate for them. It is now up to you to decide what level of contact with the birth family (if any) is healthy for your kids. I will write more about contact with the birth family later, because there are a lot of good reasons to have at least minimal contact.

How Much Does It Cost?*
Pretty much nothing. The state pays for all your training, the home study fees, the legal fees, the kids' health insurance until they are 18 (yes, even if they are adopted and no longer in the foster system), and a monthly stipend until they are 18. That stipend depends on the child's needs. My understanding is that it can easily range from $100-800 per month, on the higher end if the child has significant and ongoing medical needs. 

They will also offer free post-placement services, including attachment therapy, behavioral therapy, family therapy, occupational therapy, parent child interaction therapy, and other services as needed. Additionally they offer respite care to help prevent foster parent burn out - they find a foster family for the kids to stay with for 1-30 days (usually 2 days if parents just need a mental break). 

On top of all this, there is also a 10K tax credit per child. Not tax deductable - a tax credit. Meaning that's money you would normally pay in taxes that you don't have to pay. You can take that amount in one year or spread it over several years.

*What costs and services are provided to you may vary from state to state. This is my understanding of what is provided in California.

Are Kids In Foster Care Damaged?
All children in foster care are there because of some kind of abuse or neglect. In most cases it is neglect. Of the kids who have been abused, it is most often a combination of emotional and physical abuse. Sexual abuse is less common. No matter what, any kids in foster care will have some sort of trauma that they need to heal from. 

But will they ever really get over it? In most cases, when kids are given a healthy home with good resources and help, they heal and then thrive. Kids are incredibly resilient. They may always have questions about their past, but they can live very normal lives after adoption and grow up to be healthy, happy, well-adjusted people. Social workers know which kids are going to have trouble attaching or have significant behavioral needs, and they do not sugar coat it. As fost-adopt parents, you have to decide what you are comfortable with and what you aren't, and be up front with your social worker.

What Kinds of Kids Are Available?
Most kids in foster care have siblings. For this reason, we have decided we would like to adopt a sibling pair. Yes, this means we are going from 0 to 2 kids. Yes, this means we are helping two kids heal from some kind of trauma which may need to be handled differently based on their differing developmental stages. Still, there are some really good reasons to adopt siblings, which I will write more about later, but here are a few: much shorter wait time, much less traumatizing for the kids, significantly less complicated than adopting two single children at two different times, adopted kids (especially transracially adopted) benefit from having a member of their family that looks like them, more possible to get kids at younger age.

There are kids with special needs, but there are also kids who are typically developing. Again, this is something they are very, very upfront about. The last thing they want is to put a child in your home that you aren't prepared to take care of and then they have to transition the child to another home. Some kids with special needs include kids who were drug-exposed in utero. The racial demographics of kids in foster care vary from county to county, and you can easily find those stats online. 

It is possible to adopt outside your county, but you do have to be certified in that county in order to adopt from it. If you are working with a foster family agency that is certified in multiple counties, then you will get approved for adopting in each of those counties.

Phew. More later. Starting here.

Closer Look: Domestic Newborn Adoption

How Much Does It Cost?
It depends. Whichever agency or facilitator you work with is probably going to charge some sort of case management fee, which may be between 5 and 15K. Then there is the cost of the home study, which is around 4.5K. Then there are the legal fees, which will also probably be between 5 and 15K, depending on who you use. And there may be interstate adoption fees if you are matched with a birthmom in another state, and that varies between 0 and 4K or so depending on the state. But the big question mark in cost has to do with the birthmom's needs. She may need help covering medical costs, which could become unexpectedly high if there are complications. She may need help with rent, food, and other consumables due to an inability to work. She may not need any help, but then she might lose her job and then unexpectedly needs help with rent for 5 months. It's safe to assume you will spend at least 30K total, but that could easily be much, much higher depending on circumstance.

What Is The Difference Between An Agency And A Facilitator?
A Facilitator just helps to match you with a birthmom. Some facilitators may provide other assistance, including providing counseling to the birthmom so that they are less likely to make a rash decision, or screening birthmoms to make sure you aren't matched with a high risk situation, or even accompany birthmom to doctor appointments. A facilitator may work with larger agencies to get more access to birthmoms looking for adoptive parents. This person may only work with 10-15 waiting families at a time.

An agency is usually a bit larger, and may have more like 50 or 500 waiting families, and may have a lot more birthmoms looking to be matched. They also provide home study services (the process you have to undergo in order to be legally approved for adoption). They may also have legal services you can use.

Is The Child Healthy?
It depends. A facilitator we spoke with said that she is very deliberate in how she screens birthmoms. She doesn't want a baby with known special needs going to an adoptive family that isn't prepared for special needs. She asks if birthmom uses heroin. She asks how much birthmom drinks. She has been doing this long enough that she can tell when people are lying, and she recognizes a risky situation when she sees one.

That being said, even if birthmom makes every healthy choice in the book, the child could still end up with special needs, just like any biological parent may end up with a child with special needs. So there is no guarantee that the baby will develop typically.

How Long Do You Have To Wait?
It depends. You have some sort of profile with information about your home, your family, your background, etc. Birthmoms look through these profiles, usually with the help and guidance of an agency worker or facilitator, and choose an adoptive family. They may ask for a family that is Catholic, or a family that doesn't have any children in the home yet, or that has a pet, or where one parent stays at home, or a family that is willing to see the birthmom every few months, or a family that is ok with not having any contact with the birthmom again. It's up to them to choose what they want. 

This means that once you are legally approved for adoption, you could get chosen the very next day, or you could not be chosen for years. People who are less likely to get chosen by a birthmom include people over 45 years old, people with "unusual" religions like Jehovah's Witnesses, and people who already have multiple kids in their home. Many people seem to get matched within a couple of years.

Once you are matched, you now have to wait until the baby is born. Some agencies will match you with someone who is 3 months pregnant. Others won't allow birthmoms to match until they are 6 or 7 months to decrease risk of miscarriage or birthmom changing her mind.

Is It An Open Adoption?
Yes, but how open? It depends. The definition of an open adoption is one in which the birthparent and adoptive parent have access to each other in some way. This can mean as little as the child being able to get birthmom's contact info through the agency once they turn 18. Or it could mean they write letters to and from birthmom. It could mean birthmom babysits for you or you have lunch with birthmom every couple of months. You decide what you are comfortable with, and birthmom decides what she wants, and you get matched up with someone who wants the same level of contact.

What Happens If Birthmom Changes Her Mind?
There are a lot of ways in which a newborn adoption can be disrupted. There could be birth complications or a miscarriage. 

Birthmom could change her mind before the birth, which is more common in women who haven't told their family or the birthfather that they are pregnant. She could change her mind after the birth, especially if she has not been counseled and mentally prepared for the hormonal changes that come with birth and the feelings of guilt and loss that come with the immediate prospect of letting someone else take your baby home from the hospital. She could change her mind within the first 30 days of placement with the adoptive family before the adoption is finalized.

She could also decide to be matched with a different family, or end up finding a relative who wants to parent the child. 

In the cases where she changes her mind about placing the child for adoption, she may have to pay back some of the expenses the adoptive parents paid for. But no matter what, adoptive parents will have lost at least half their money. They will have paid their case management fees and their matching fees already, and they will probably have to pay those again for a different birthmom if they want to be matched again.

How Likely Is It That The Adoption Gets Disrupted?
It depends. If you are working with a really good agency or facilitator that screens birthmoms well and provides a lot of support (pre and post birth), then you are far less likely to be matched with someone who is high risk for changing their mind. It's absolutely possible that your first match goes through just fine without any complications. I don't know exact numbers, but it sounds like how often disruptions happen can probably range from 1 out of 20 families experiencing disruption to 10 out of 20 families, depending on the agency/facilitator they are working with.

Closer Look: International Adoption

From Which Countries Can You Adopt?
Not every country in the world allows adoption by foreigners. This is partly because some countries don't have the infrastructure, and partly because corruption in the past led to it becoming illegal. Romania and Mexico are two examples of countries that used to allow foreign adoption but currently do not because there were terrible people creating baby mills and stealing children and that kind of thing.

The list of countries that do allow foreign adoptions is not static. If you are interested in adopting internationally it is best to work with an agency in the US who partners with foreign adoption agencies, because they will help you navigate the many ins and outs of adopting through the country of your choosing. When choosing which country to adopt from, you have to consider several factors.

How Should You Choose a Country?

Types Of Adoptable Kids
Each country has different types of children in need of adoption and available to foreigners. For example, Korea has many more boys waiting than girls. Some countries only allow children with special needs to be adopted internationally. Brazil only allows older kids (over 7, I think?) to be adopted internationally unless one or both adoptive parents have some Brazilian heritage.

Travel
Whichever country you choose, you will likely have to make multiple trips there. (Additionally, someday after adoptiong, you will likely need to travel to your kid's home country to help them connect with their racial and cultural identity.) Some countries require both parents to be in the country for some length of time. This length of time could be 2 weeks or it could be 20 weeks. Most countries that require you to stay for a long time allow one parent to travel back to the US.

Time
There are two time periods to consider when choosing a country. One is matching time - how long you have to be on a waiting list before they assign a child to you. The other is time before the child can be brought to the US. Adopting from Haiti, for example, requires a 12-month waiting period after you are matched before you can bring the child home. You can make multiple trips to Haiti during that time, but you can't bring the child home for 12 months. China, on the other hand, allows you to take the child home after 13 days.

Costs
There are lots of different kinds of costs involved and this differs from country to country as well. There are adoption fees through that country's government. There may be case management fees for whoever is managing the child(ren)'s case in that country. There is the cost of hotel stays and incidentals, which depend on how long you have to be in the country and how many times you have to travel there. There is the cost of airfare, which depends on how far you are from the country and how many times you are required to go there. There are US fees associated with visas for the parents, visa(s) for the kid(s), and getting US citizenship for the kid(s). This means that by the time the adoption process is completed, you can easily have spent between 30K and A LOT more than 30K.

Another possible cost to keep in mind is post-adoption services. If your kid has any kind of special needs, including an attachment disorder (common in kids from orphanages), you may need attachment therapy, occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, or a whole host of other services. Some of those things could potentially be covered or partly covered by your health insurance. My guess is that in most cases that coverage ranges from limited to none, but I don't know for sure.

Requirements For Parents
Some countries require you be above a certain age. Some require you to be below a certain age. Some require you to be married for a certain amount of time. Some do not allow single mothers or same-sex couples to adopt. Some require you to have a certain body mass index (and by "some" I mean Korea). Some give preference to Catholic families. Again, every country is different.

Race And Culture
There is a lot to consider when adopting kids who don't look like you. Transracial adoption is not a decision to be taken lightly. By taking on transracial adoption, you have to be committed to bringing a different culture into your home and into your identity as a family. And if you are white, you have the privilege of rarely having to think about skin color or race, and may be completely underestimating how different the experience is for children of color and people of color growing up and living in this country. Having children who are Filipino is very different from having children who are Ugandan. You need to be ready to embrace that culture and incorporate it into your life every day.


Now What?
Who you work with in the US can determine your experience of the entire process. Some agencies will really hold your hand and help you with every step. Others give you the info you need and mostly you do it on your own. We contacted an adoption therapist who has experience with every type of adoption there is, and asked her for a recommendation. She referred us to a wonderful organization in the Bay Area.

What Even IS Adoption??

There are a lot of different kinds of adoptions, and each one has advantages and disadvantages, and there is a ton of information to learn about each one. What follows is an overview of what we have learned after months of research and speaking with a lot of people.

There are three major types of adoption:

1. International adoption - Adoptive parent(s) travel to a foreign country to adopt a child or sibling group.

2. Domestic newborn adoption - Adoptive parent(s) get matched up with a pregnant woman who is looking to create an adoption plan for her baby.

3. Fost-adoption - Adoptive parent(s) get certified as foster parents and foster a child or sibling group until the adoption is finalized.

Within each of these types of adoption, there are a lot of different possibilities too. And a lot of questions. What we learned is that the answer to almost every question is "it depends." How much does it cost? It depends. How long does it take? It depends. How much risk is involved? It depends. How hard is it to get approved? It depends.

The next posts will be a bit more of a deep dive into each kind of adoption. This will help you understand the options we have as well as the amount of research we did before choosing to adopt through foster care.

Earlier Personal Updates

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5/8/17
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Certified and Looking

Today we got certified! We read through our homestudy and signed off on it. We also met our family social worker and the social worker who does placements. We talked at length with both of them about what to expect, how flexible our parameters are, and how we want to approach the search process. 

Then we looked in "The Book" of children whose social workers are looking for pre-adoptive placements, which gets updated monthly. As I predicted, a lot of the kids in the book are ones who are hardest to place, such as older kids, kids with significant medical challenges, and sibling groups of 3 kids or more. What we did not expect was that a lot of the kids in the book are either legally freed for adoption or have already had reunification services terminated, which means their chances of being adopted is pretty high. We were also surprised to find out that because they are so far along in the process, it's actually reasonable to get matched with kids that are currently placed in a more distant county. We wouldn't be needing to drive them to birth parent visits in Chico every week. Also, when kids are detained from SF county, they may not be in foster homes in SF county. So our kids could have birth family in SF but be currently living in Chico. For this reason we looked through the entire book, regardless of county.

We did find two cases that potentially match our parameters. When our social worker reached out, it turns out one of the cases already had a match with a family. So we have asked for them to submit our homestudy for consideration for the other case. Most likely we will either hear a "no" or radio silence. I won't be updating the blog every time we find a case that could fit. This is just because it's unlikely to move forward. As soon as we get a "maybe" back from a social worker and we are moving forward to a disclosure meeting, I will let everyone know. Hopefully if the disclosure meeting goes well we will be officially "matched" and will get to meet the kids and start the pre-placement visits.

Another expectation we had that turned out to be slightly off was the idea that we could be called at any time about becoming an insta-parent. Our social worker did ask if we are interested in being a "first family," which would basically put us on call for 90 days and require that we not pursue any other kids during that time. This is typically for single, very very young kids, often even newborns who need to be picked up from the hospital. We can decide to do this at any point if we want, but for now we are sticking with reaching out to specific cases of kids already in foster homes, which means we will almost definitely have a transition period between getting matched and having the kids move in with us. At least that is my understanding right now. I will clarify with our social worker the next time we see her.

We also expected to see a ton of children of color, which wasn't the case. We had heard that Black and Latinx children were overrepresented in the foster system, but we hadn't taken into account the sheer number of white people in the state. Our chances of getting matched with white kids is still quite high. Regardless of our kids' ethnicit(ies) we are excited to help them build their own senses of identity, though that will look very different depending on whether we are their same race or not. And regardless of our kids' ethnicit(ies), we are excited to teach them to be woke, strong allies, and good citizens of their communities and of the world.

This is an exciting time that will likely be filled with rollercoaster emotions. There is absolutely no way to predict whether the very first case we reach out to will end in a match, or if the 50th one will. There is no way to predict if it will take two weeks or a year. At this point we are going to try our best to be patient and make the best use of our pre-parent time. It is a bit of a relief to be able to make plans in the next one or two months without worrying that it could cost us the chance of getting matched. Any plans we make further in the future than a couple of months ahead will have to be cancelable, but that's much easier than wondering if I can make plans for this weekend! 


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5/2/17
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Monday Monday!

We have a social worker! She will be guiding us through the process of getting matched, contact child social workers about us, come to every meeting, facilitate the transition of moving the kids in with us, visit us every week for the first month and every other week after that to see how we are doing, be our liaison with the kids' social worker, help us apply for adoption, come to court hearings, and basically be our point person in every way throughout the process. On Monday we will go into the office to meet her, look over our homestudy, sign off, and start looking at potential matches!

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4/24/17
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Still Waiting But With Updated Timeline

Just heard from our home study social worker that she turned in her final draft to her supervisor today, and it needs to go through an approval process. Then we will be assigned a family social worker who we will work with throughout our fost-adopt journey. She said the next thing we will hear will be directly from our family social worker in a couple weeks. So now our hope is to be certified by mid-May.


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4/23/17
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Still Waiting

You know as much as we do. The time estimate was middle of April but we haven't heard anything yet. Trying not to bug our social worker so that she can catch up. We will definitely update you all as soon as we hear anything.

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3/9/17
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And Now We Wait

We finished our final interview today, which included our home inspection. Now we wait for our homestudy social worker to write up our homestudy document, then we sign it, and then we will be certified. This should happen around mid April. Getting Closer!

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2/17/17
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First Interview

We just finished our first interview, and scheduled the other three. In this interview she asked about why we are adopting, what our individual personalities are like, what our relationship with each other is like, what our plan for childcare is, and if our parameters for the demographic of kids has changed (age, gender, race, special needs, sibling sets, etc). She walked through our house and helped us figure out what things we will need to fix before our final home study, which will be our home inspection and will also cover some parenting questions. We have very little left to do to comply with regulations. The next three Thursdays will be the 1-1 interview with me, the 1-1 with John, and the home inspection, respectively.

In case I haven't made it clear, at this point in the process they aren't looking for ways to disqualify us. If anything, it is the opposite. They are looking for how they can help us get to a point where we can get certified. So we are not particularly nervous about these interviews, just excited to get through the process!

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2/13/17
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Starting Our Homestudy

We scheduled our first homestudy interview for the end of this week, and we are very excited! We ended up with the homestudy social worker we were hoping for, and she has already been to our house because she did our intake interview. It will be two hours long, and part of the interview will be looking around the house to figure out if anything doesn't comply with foster regulations so that we can fix it by the time we do our final interview. So after Friday afternoon we will be able to schedule our 1-1 interviews with her as well, and then after those, our fourth and final interview. I'm still hopeful we will be certified by the end of March, but we'll see.

Meanwhile we have read several books, including ones about transracial adoption in foster care, attachment in foster care, sibling placements in foster care, emotional intelligence and emotion coaching, and trauma-centered care. One of the books I'm reading now is The Body Keeps Score which talks about how ongoing trauma in childhood affects development, which interventions are the most effective in rewiring the brain, and how many treatment approaches can actually make the problem worse. I'm listening to it on audible and I recommend it to anyone, not just people wanting to adopt. It's very narrative and interesting.

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1/26/17
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Training Classes

Our FFA (foster family agency) requires us to take their training classes prior to starting the homestudy interviews. It's a series of three full-day (9-5) Saturday classes plus an evening panel discussion featuring adoptive parents, adults who grew up in the foster system, and possibly teenagers who have been adopted.

Class One

The first class mostly covered concurrent planning and cultural competency. We have already read a few books on transracial adoption (with a few others in the queue), so this part wasn't super new to us. But we did get some great resources to take home, including some good breakdowns of how kids develop an understanding of race and their racial identity.

Class Two

The second class focused on attachment, trauma, and LGBQ* and TGNC** competency in parenting. We also got some great handouts on these subjects, including articles about the difference between bonding and claiming (bonding takes place over time, claiming is immediate and binary). We learned about how trauma impacts development and how much rewiring needs to take place in order for kids to develop after trauma. A lot of the discussion around sexual orientation and gender identity was motivated by the need for all adoptive families to fully accept and cherish children who are LGB or TGNC.

*sexual identity - lesbian, gay, bisexual, questioning
**gender identity - trans and gender nonconforming

Class Three

The third class will be about grief and loss. We are looking forward to learning more about this.

All The Reading

As part of these training classes, we have had a TON of reading to cover, which has been incredibly informative. In addition to the required reading, we have also been reading other books recommended to us in order to give ourselves as many tools as possible to help navigate the challenges that may be coming our way.

Meanwhile

We are also signed up for an online class about how to teach mindfulness meditation and compassion/kindness to kids. There is a great documentary about how this group went into a middle school and taught this to a group of "problem" students, which you can watch here: http://www.mindfulschools.org/resources/room-to-breathe/. We are very excited to learn to teach this to kids, and we think it will be a great tool for us and our kids.

Next Steps For Us

Next week they will audit our file to make sure we have all the necessary paperwork (which we do as far as I know), and then our homestudy social worker will review our file and prepare for our interviews. There will be four interviews (two together, one each individual) in which we also have to demonstrate that our house complies with state foster regulations. Then the social worker will write up a 15-20 page document about us that can be shared with child social workers when we are looking for potential matches. Once the document is complete, we will sign it and then we will be officially certified! I will post about the searching/matching process once we have learned a little more about it.

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11/13/16
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Paperwork and Baby Class

Paperwork and Application Process

We are nearly done with our paperwork. Out of about 50 items, we have four items left to do, two of which we are waiting for our appointments in order to complete (CPR class next weekend, physician exam in a few weeks). Once our background checks clear, we can take their PRIDE class, which is a series in which we meet other fost-adopt parents, hear from foster kids and adults who went through the foster system, and learn about trauma and healing and neglect and all kinds of stuff. Around that same time possibly, we will be doing our home study interviews at our house, which I believe consists of at least one interview with us together and at least one interview for each of us on our own. And we have to pass the home inspection, which mostly will just mean that we can't have knifes laying around and we need to have meds locked up. 

Baby Class

Another requirement for anyone who is interested in kids three years old and under is their baby class. We were lucky in that they were hosting one this weekend, so we signed up immediately. It was a one-day, all-day class, and we were earlier in our process than anyone else there. They had all been through the PRIDE classes, and a lot of them knew each other from those classes. The class covered typical child development and milestones to look out for, basics on care for drug-exposed kids, information on fetal alcohol syndrome, and learning about which special needs we are each comfortable with. They pointed out that for any kid who is adopted, even from day one, there is still trauma in being removed from the birth mom because the baby has been bonding with her for months. So in this sense, any adopted kid is considered to have special needs at the time of their adoption, though the majority of them will heal and grow and be very well-adjusted. There wasn't too much info discussed that was new information to me, but they gave us a very large packet of information that I plan to look through, including how to help soothe babies going through withdrawals or having trouble with self-regulation. The big takeaway is that almost no drug does permanent developmental damage to a kid, whereas alcohol exposure can cause very serious damage that never goes away. Unfortunately a lot of pregnant women's doctors are saying that it is ok to have a glass of wine here and there during pregnancy, but in reality any amount of alcohol can do permanent damage.

We have some other more casual things on our to do list for when we are waiting for things to go through, like organizing things in the house, reading more about attachment, building up our library of kid books (more on that later), and getting some systems in place. We will keep you all posted here!

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10/15/16
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We Have an FFA!

Announcement!!

We are very excited to have been accepted by our top choice FFA (Foster Family Agency), and they sent us an application packet!! We went to their info session about a month ago and were really blown away by their thoughtful answers to our many, many questions. They are well respected in our community and have a really strong program with people who really love what they do. Two weeks ago the home study social worker came over to do an intake interview at our house, mostly to ask why we want to adopt, make sure we aren't living in a tent, and find out if we were still grieving something (eg infertility, miscarriage, death of a child). The social worker then wrote up a report on us to bring to her team to discuss with them and decide whether or not we were a good fit. And we are!!

What Now?

Now we fill out the application packet, which involves some questionnaires, some photocopies of a lot of official documents, some background check applications, DMV records, etc. Heaps of paperwork. Once we pass preliminary background checks we will be eligible to sign up for their pre-placement classes. 

Classes

The classes will help prepare us to parent kids with histories of abuse, neglect, trauma, and drug exposure, as well as other topics specific to fost-adoption, such as involvement with the birth family and navigating the process. The classes will also help prepare us for parenthood in general - we are required to take their baby class, since we are interested in possible placements of children under the age of three. 

House Prep

Once classes conclude we can complete our home study, which includes multiple visits to our house to assure compliance with state regulations for foster homes. We have most of this covered already, but will have to get a landline phone, have a first aid kit, have certain items secured, and whatnot.

This whole process should take a few months. Once everything is complete and cleared we can look at possible placements. We are on our way!!