If you want to be respectful of adopted children and adoptive parents, it's super important to learn some basic alternatives to common no-nos in talking about adoption. Start practicing now and soon it will be second nature. Remember, we are all still learning (including me!) Note: These are in the format of Say This (bolded)
Birth parent, birth mom, birth family, family of origin
Vocab, Abbreviations, and Jargon
Home Study - A process by which a family is legally approved for adoption. This typically involves background checks, a couple of visits to the home to identify and correct potential hazards (smoke detectors, fencing around swimming pool, secured firearms, etc), interviews with parents to make sure they both want to adopt and what they are looking for in their adoption, financial paperwork to ensure that the cost of the adoption and the cost of parenting is affordable for the family, etc. This process may take a few months, especially since it involves some legal processes that may take a while to complete. Home studies for international adoption, domestic newborn adoption, and fost-adoption are all different.
Shelter Care - A type of foster parenting in which foster parents provide immediate care for children who have been detained and whose birth family is receiving services in order to make their home safe again. Most kids in shelter care will be reunified with their birth family within several months.
Fost-Adopt - A type of foster parenting in which the children's birth family are not doing what they are supposed to do in order to reunify with their kids, and the social workers are trying to find a permanent home for the kids to be adopted into. The foster parents bond with the kids and help them heal from past trauma. After several months, most kids will be legally adopted into their forever homes.
FFA (Foster Family Agency) - One way to fost-adopt rather than going directly through the county. FFAs typically offer more services to the foster family, and may act as a liaison with the county social workers. They may also be licensed in multiple counties, which allows foster parents to potentially be matched with kids from different counties (can be a good thing or a bad thing). A good FFA wants to make sure that foster parents have the tools and resources they need in order to be successful with children placed in the home. FFAs do not cost the foster family any additional money.
Reunification - Children in foster care returning to the care of their birth family. The main goal of foster care is to reunify kids with their birth families whenever possible for the birth family to provide a safe and healthy home. Until an adoption is finalized, reunification is always a legal possibility. Every case is different and has a different probability of ending in reunification versus ending in adoption.
Sensitive Questions
For any of these questions, consider your relationship with the parent before asking. Is this person a stranger, an acquaintance, a close friend, an extended relative? Also ask yourself why you want to know the answer. Are you just curious? Are you trying to find out how you can best support the family? Are you trying to educate yourself or find out more about adoption for your own family?
Are you going to have biological kids? It may be that the parents were unable to have biological kids, or more biological kids than they currently have. It may be that they have no desire to have biological kids. Asking this question may unintentionally imply that having biological kids is better, preferred, or more legitimate than adoption.
Why are they in foster care/what's their story? A child's story is theirs to tell. The parents really have to decide with whom to share different parts of the child's past. There may be parts of the child's past that are incredibly personal, painful, or difficult to understand. If you are not an immediate family member or very close friend, the parents may choose not to disclose any details about their kids' stories, and let the kids decide who they are comfortable sharing those details with as they grow.
Are the kids related to each other? Again, this may unintentionally imply that there is something more legitimate about a family where the siblings are biologically related to each other. The kids may have been adopted as a sibling pair, or they may have been adopted at separate times from different biological families. Or one may have been adopted and then the biological mom gave birth to another child that was detained, and that family was asked if they were interested in adopting the new child. Regardless, they are siblings growing up in the same family, and that is what matters.
Are the kids addicted to drugs? This is another detail of the kids' past that may be deeply personal and private. Some false assumptions that may underlie this question include:
+ that most kids in foster care are drug exposed
+ that all kids who were drug exposed have significant developmental differences
+ that kids who do have special needs don't need and deserve loving families
+ that these particular parents do not want to parent children with special needs
Don't make those assumptions, because they range from potentially untrue to completely inaccurate.
Aren't you going to get attached to the kids? What if they get taken away from you? Every fost-adopt parent needs to be educated about the process of fost-adoption and the emotional risk they are taking. No case is certain until adoption is finalized. But it's important to realize that if foster parents get attached to kids and are heartbroken to say goodbye to kids that leave their care, that's a really wonderful thing. Crying over kids leaving your care shows them that they are worth caring about, that they are difficult to say goodbye to. Attaching to kids is a huge investment of time and emotion, and it's a gift that foster parents give to children. All children deserve to be loved and to be shown that they are worthy of love.
